The Day Two Blues (and the Second Try Why's)
When you face a fear and then go back for more
Everyone is clapping. I had just performed a song I wrote at an open mic, and I’m filled with joy. It’s the first time I’d stood up in front of people and shown them the results of all my time practicing. Was I good? Nope. But I was happy. I had finally faced my fears.
A few months later I decided to do it again. I got on stage with a friend and did a duet. We finished the song and everyone clapped. Was I good? Nope. But was I happy?
Not even close. My head was filled with thoughts of how I could do better, how I embarrassed myself by being a bad singer, and how I let down my duet partner.
My perspective had changed. The first time I got on stage, I was on the outside of this mystical world of performers and successfully breaking into it. Just by getting on stage I felt like I had conquered the world. The second time I was already on the inside of the mystical performing world, so getting on stage didn’t feel like an accomplishment. I just did something I’d already done, and I sucked at it.
I’ve noticed this pattern whenever I face a new fear. It happened when I was younger and I went to the gym for the first time.
Again when I took my guitar to busk on the street for the first time.
Again when I learned how to surf in a crowded lineup.
On Day One I’ve conquered a fear, and it’s all sunshine and rainbows. On Day Two, I transition from feeling like the hero who’s conquering something outside his comfort zone to the guy who’s the worst at something inside his comfort zone.
Accompanying the Day Two Blue’s is usually a second wave of thoughts I like to call the Second Try Why’s.
The Second Try Why’s
The Second Try Why’s arise when the first-time excitement is gone and I have to actually ask myself why I’m doing the thing I’m doing. For playing music, is it that I like performing? Or do I like sharing my songwriting? Do I like jamming with others? Entertaining the audience? Moving them? Why am I even here? It’s similar to when the initial burst of energy wears off in a relationship and you have to ponder what you like about the person on a deeper and more sustaining level.
I find the Day Two Blues and Second Try Why’s to be more complicated challenges than the trials of Day One. It’s often said that the hardest part is starting. Or other times that the hardest part is continuing—keeping the ball rolling. But I’m realizing the real crux is figuring out why and if I even wanted the ball rolling in the first place.
I find it valuable to write about this because it helps me to know these negative feelings may come up on round two of something new. Coincidentally, this is my first post on Substack, and right now it’s very exciting to me. Can’t wait for the other shoe to drop the moment I start writing the next one.